Standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, such a fine sight to see

Last week, vacation, much of it a blur, but here are the highlights:

UNM Hospital Eye Clinic, Albuquerque, NM: Meanest doctor ever. May he rot in hell.

Water aerobics at the YMCA, Albuquerque, NM: My mother, me, and a pool full of octagenarians. The class? Taught by a man best described as the Navajo incarnation of Buddha himself, his breasts bouncing gently as the pool water lapped against his massive beach ball belly, leading his flock through kicks and twirls as the afternoon sun streamed through the vent shafts above. An oddly peaceful experience, I feel enlightened.

Grand Canyon, AZ: Europe can take it's fancy art and aarchitecture, its bars, its temples, and its massage parlors and shove it. No one does natural beauty like we do.

Albuquerque, NM: All the authentic Mexican food I can eat. I'm still trying to shake the last of a mean cheese hangover.

Hawk's Cay Resort, Duck Key, FL: The pina coladas weak, the siblings spoiled, and the smell of sulfur that won't be denied. This is how we are with family.

The Palms Hotel, South Beach, Miami, FL: No conditioner provided, what to do? Try some suntann oil. Result? A greasy head of hair that defies all conventional cleaning and styling products, and continues to plague.

Collins Avenue, South Beach, Miami, FL: A rash to rival all rashes. Walking progress halted immediately, but not before a homeless woman dropped trou and pissed all over the sidewalk directly in front of us. Did not see that one coming.

Nemo, South Beach, Miami, FL: Bad mojitos, terrific dinner. Few things in life rival a crusty bread dipped in a steaming bowl of mussles in a garlicky tomato broth. Parked illegally, no ticket.

Nikki Beach Cafe, South Beach, Miami, FL: Brunch on the beach, under palm trees, sand between the toes. A huevos rancheros frittata, challah french toast, and a mean basket of pastries. Possibly the highlight of the trip. Second instance of illegal parking, still no ticket.

Miami Convention and Visitor Center, Miami, FL: Unlocateable. WORST TOURIST CENTER EVER.

Miami Sequarium, Miami, FL:$25 admission. WORST AQUARIUM EVER.

The Biltmore Hotel, Coral Gables, Miami, FL: Beautiful. Why the hell didn't we stay there? Oh right, it's the Biltmore.

Sunset Place Shopping Mall, Coral Gables, Miami, FL: Dejected, and still with hours to kill before our flight, we surrender ourselves to the sanctuary of the movie theater to see The Interpreter. Sean Penn? Unable to overact, and thus terrible. Floor? Stickiest movie theater floor EVER.

Can we go home already?

Dulles International Airport, VA: We, shorts and flipflops. Weather? Cold and windy. Car? Possibly located in the blue lot. Possibly in the purple lot. A gamble if ever we've taken one. Thankfully it paid off.

And by the way, I did stand ona corner in Winslow, Arizona, and it was indeed a fine sight to see.